Wells FuckYougo.

4 April 2009

To whom it may concern,

Recently, when going over my online account statements, I noticed that I’d been receiving an $11.99 charge to my checking account every month from a Wells Fargo organization. Having no idea what the charge could’ve been from, I called the Wells Fargo customer service number to investigate. The representative informed me that the charge was being issued by a Wells Fargo travel organization that I was supposedly subscribed to. I asked if she’d transfer my call to one of their representatives, so she placed me on hold to do so.

What followed was a complete hour of insipid, aurally-nauseating on-hold music. I apologize for any tonal hostility, but you can imagine how hearing the same painfully awful song repeated over and over and over and over while I awkwardly wedged my not-expensive-or-in-any-way-indicative-of-its-owner-having-extra-money-to-drop-on-ridiculous-travel-memberships cellphone between jaw and shoulder, waiting to speak with someone who could explain to me why I’d received over a hundred dollars in charges for something I’ve never even heard of has done nothing for my disposition. I resolved to hang up exactly at the one hour mark on my phone.

Roughly two hours later, I called back. I held for approximately ten minutes this time. Nowhere near an hour, but still ten minutes longer than most folk would care to wait to be told why their bank has been taking money from them. I was connected with Jamie, who was duly courteous and patient with my teetering temperament. She informed me that I’d been subscribed to this travel service for over a year (I’m still not sure exactly how long), and that I had signed up through a mail promotion that offered an .mp3 player as incentive. She said that the offer included one free month of service, after which it was upon me to make the call to cancel my subscription.

I don’t need to tell you how sneaky and obviously conniving that is, because, well, I know that’s precisely the way you wanted it. If you were to, say, have a representative of yours (which, considering my long hold period, seem to be quite lacking in ranks) make a simple phone call at the end of the free month’s service, asking if your loyal and too-busy-with-other-things-like-living-their-life customer would like to continue or cancel their subscription, the latter would so outweigh the former that your clever scheme would hardly prove to be the profitable venture you’d plotted. And that simply would not make good business sense, right?

But the thing is, I did not fill out your survey, and I did not send it in, and I did not receive an .mp3 player as “My free gift for trying out your service [sic]”. I have received numerous offers of the nature, despite my requests that all my banking documents be sent electronically, and’ve promptly discarded them in a wasteful fashion akin to that of their delivery. Of this I am most certain. How your offices have concluded the contrary is unbeknownst to me. Perhaps, when filing, one of your employees accidentally clicked “Yes” instead of “No”? Or a third party somehow intercepted my unwanted mail and took advantage of your lax verification process, getting a “free gift” for his time and minimal effort? Ultimately, all that matters is that I played no part in the subscribing to the service for which I’ve been regularly billed.

Jamie assured me that she would refund the most recent charge to my account, but that any further crediting would require a letter to your offices. So here it is. Consider this a formal request that the remaining charges (of which there are plenty) be refunded to the account to which they were applied. With haste, if at all possible. I ask this on the grounds of my being completely unawares to everything from my unwanted (and, as you’ll surely find, unused) subscription to the Wells Fargo travel agency or organization or whatever it may be. Frankly, I’m rather unsettled by the fact that such significant changes can be made to my account without ample verification of identity and/or intent.

I thank you for your timely assistance and resolution of this matter.

Regards,

William M. Baker